Ribbons & Bows....and beautiful toes!

I'm taking a moment to let you all know that besides putting these websites on my links of "cool stuff", I just have to share two particular sites! I love their products and CANNOT wait to have Anna Grace covered from head to toe....literally.

One of them is A Crystal Garden. Kelly specializes in handmade beaded jewelry, Swarovski Austrian crystal Bracelets, Swarovksi Crystal Pearl Bracelets, boutique beaded barrettes and boutique baby bows. They are precious and the bows are perfect for those little girls with thin hair!

The other site I just love and have already received a couple for Anna Grace's collection!! The site is Beaded Socks By Gigi. Janny skillfully crochet's beautiful beads around the cuff and then gives you the option of purchasing them with or without decorative buttons sewn on. The finished product is just what you would imagine every princess twirling around in and her selection is huge!

So, if you have a little princess of your own at home, take a minute to visit these sites. You're gonna love it!

Off with a kiss and a prayer....

Literally. Yes, our documents are all complete. Every last one of them. Our dossier papers have been notarized, certified and authenticated. Payments have been made (thank you, Jesus!) and every bit of paperwork was neatly tucked into a FedEx letter envelope on its way to Oregon, where our agency is. I gave it a kiss and said a prayer right before handing it to the FedEx clerk. Our DTC date will most likely be Feb. 22 or 23rd. We'll see. All I know is that I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that its out of my hands and into someone else's. Anna Grace, we're half way there, baby!

Ok recap of the past couple of days. I'm exhausted. My Dad and his brother who is here on a 4 month tourist visa from Cuba, spent two days with us. We had a blast! My Dad is an AMAZING cook and poor guy, has cooked non-stop since he arrived. I, of course, have eaten non-stop since he arrived. My uncle fell head over heels over the boys, but especially Kai, who took to him like a fish to water.

Kai's latest antics have been dancing and singing. Sooooo cute! And always ends up with a bow and clapping for himself. No clue where he's seen that done, but boy! Music is in this boy's blood! He LOVES it!

My Dad and Uncle have now left to my sister's for a couple of days and will stop by for a short visit towards the end of the week on their way back to Miami.

One last thing. I've gotten a couple of emails asking if I'm still lost into the 24 episodes, since I've been so quiet. The answer is no. I've been totally caught up with so much to do around here, that by the time I have the kids in bed, my brain is too fried to think about typing. I'm so sorry that it is taking me days to respond to some of your emails, but please know that I appreciate you thinking about me and I love hearing from you. Just bear with me a bit until I can organize my life again, and I will definitely respond to all of your emails.

Back to 24. I'm done with Season Two and will have to wait until I can afford to go buy seasons 3, 4 & 5. In the meantime, I will be like the rest of the world and have to wait a week in between episodes. I did do MAJOR research on Keifer Sutherland's background the other day as I was driving Scott crazy talking about him. But after all was said and done, he's not my type. heh. He's definitely a "bad boy", who loves women, smoking and drinking. His quote in Rolling Stone magazine said he is looking forward to being "killed off" as Jack Bauer on the 24 episodes. :(

So, I think I'll stick to my sweet, romantic, faithful, hard working, God-loving, family man of a husband. Sorry Keifer.

God takes care of His orphans

Wow, is all I can say right now as I dry the tears in my eyes. I had taken the cutest short clip of Kai singing today and I was going to blog about it. But, God TOTALLY changed the path.

Right before I logged into Blogger to post Kai's video, I checked one of my yahoo groups which led me to another website...long story short, I ended up on a website I had never been to before, Focus on the Family. There, I came across an AMAZING story of how God takes care of his orphans and how if we are open to be used by him to do His work, He will be glorified. Miracles happen!

I openly ask the Lord to continue to use me for His will to be done. And once it is, to knock me back down to nothing so that He and He alone, receive all the glory.

I can't emphasize enough for you to please take the time to hear the audio of this journey of faith. It humbled me to hear it and makes me so very grateful to know the love of our Lord and Savior. Here's a small excerpt of their story:

"A six-week old, badly burned baby is left to die in a field. The villagers stand around staring, unwilling to burden themselves with the responsibility of helping him. Despite its heartbreaking beginning, this remarkable story has an ending that’s full of hope and inspiration. John and Lisa Bentley describe how their missionary trip to China culminated in the adoption of a baby boy. If not for their faithful response to God’s call upon their lives, little Levi would be dead today. "[The doctor] said to me, ‘Lisa, if this baby survives, it’s going to be your God that saves him.’" -- Lisa Bentley

You can hear the entire audio journey (2 segements of 1/2 hr. each) the Bentley family has taken, by clicking on this link:

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

Pure religion and undefiled before our God and Father is this, to care for the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. - James 1:27

Wishes! Wishes! Wishes!

I'm so excited! The wishes and quilt squares for Anna Grace's quilt have started coming in. It's like receiving a present every time I go to the mailbox now. I absolutely love the wishes, and oh! the fabrics are such fun and so pretty!

Today I went out and and bought some special fabric so I can send out squares and wishes to those families that I am swapping with. Unlike what I did for Kai's quilt webpage, I created a separate page for Anna Grace's quilt where I will be posting a picture of each square received with its corresponding wish.

Thank you all so much that are participating in this keepsake for our baby girl. It really means a lot to me as I am sure it will mean a lot to her when she is older and sees how many people from all over the world were waiting for her arrival and praying for all of us. You can see the pictures of the squares as they come in at 100 Good Wishes Quilt on the sidebar of the blog (under DETAILS OF OUR JOURNEY).

Catching Up

Ok. I am coming back to reality. I think it's been about a week that I've removed myself from the "real" world due to the abyss I have been in (yes...24 episodes). I am now on Season 2, but have realized that I need to get back to my life. So, I will use this post to catch up on what has happened "in between" episodes.

Last Saturday, I went to the quarterly Magnificat meal. It is always so uplifting to gather with over 50 other Catholic women and just praise, worship and be renewed in our Heavenly Father, but most of all, it reminds us of the blessings we have in having our own Blessed Mother, Mary, as such a powerful intercessor.

Saturday evening, Amanda and I took a Mother and daughter night off. We headed to the WinterJam concert sponsored by our local Christian radio station. It was a great concert, but I am so very thankful that I could spend this time with her. Watching her praise and worship to Steven Curtis Chapman, and Newsong and then at other times, just be a plain 12 year old screaming at the top of her lungs as she be-bopped to Hawk Nelson was really awesome. I am so very blessed that she knows our Lord, and realizes that everything we have comes from Him.

Let's see....aaahh, yes. The Patriots played their heart out on Sunday night, but were just not able to pull it off. So, we'll be rooting for the Colts at the Super Bowl in Miami on the 4th. Adam's (our 22 yr. old) favorite team.

Moving on to the adoption front. I received an email Sunday night from our dossier consultant stating that she had all of our certified papers and they were being taken to the Consulate in Houston on Monday (the 22nd) and I should have the completed dossier back in my hands by this Friday.

Good news....bad news. Good news is that I received a phone call from our agency yesterday requesting a copy of the dossier so that they could review it and begin translations. Bad news is that our dossier is almost complete but will not head to China until the last day or two of Chinese New Year. CCAA's offices will be closed from February 18 - February 23. Our director suggested it be sent towards the end of CNY because that way it would be on the TOP of the heap when they returned to work, instead of the bottom of the heap. CCAA is known for not taking files in a first-come, first-served order. :)

Otherwise, life is good! Amanda is taking her SATs this week. AJ is only a few weeks from walking (he cruises furniture now at record speeds) and Kai is....well, Kai. :) A bundle of energetic, non-stop, lovable party.

I'm a bit bummed that the family that had offered to take pics of Anna Grace didn't.....not sure why. But, I'm really trying to keep my mind off of the process as much as possible. When we send our dossier to China, the countdown REALLY begins. Only difference between then and now is that everything has been done on my end, and all I can do is wait.

I admit.....I'm obsessed!

Yes....I am confessing. I am obsessed. That is my reason for being MIA these past few days. Thank you to those of you that emailed me asking if everything was alright. Yes, all is fine. I've just been glued to the boob-tube whatever chance I can get.

On MLK's birthday, one of Scott's gifts was 2 box sets (the 1st & 2nd season) of the TV show "24". He wanted them to watch on the trip to China since we had heard it was a good tv show (we don't watch much tv). Neither one of us had seen the show. Well, I opened up the box and watched episode 1. That was it. Addiction at its best. I had a pretty busy weekend, which I will blog a little about later, but every free moment I had, including Sunday night till almost 3 am, I spent watching the first season. I don't know how many "24" fans there are out there, but wow! How did you wait an ENTIRE week between shows? I've been on the edge of my seat during the entire thing and to top it off, I've fallen madly in love with Keifer Sutherland, whom I never even liked. Julia Roberts is an idiot. heh. Handsome, intelligent, sensitive and can get out of ANY situation. Scott's been kidding around that he's gonna have to rush into the house carrying a gun and saying, "I'm Jack Bauer, federal agent! GET DOWN!" in order to get my attention. LOL!

Anyways, I thought I'd pop on here and explain why I haven't blogged in 4 days. I am completely done with season 1 and am on to season 2 now.

As a matter of fact.....

PLEASE REMEMBER TO CLICK ON THE

RED "X" NEXT TO THE ADDRESS BAR TO

TURN OFF BACKGROUND MUSIC.

Family Moments...New Years Eve

GROSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

BE WARNED: THIS IS NOT FOR THOSE WITH A WEAK STOMACH!!!!
IF SO, DO NOT SCROLL DOWN!

You guys know that more than anything in the world, I just love being a Mom...but this part of the job I honestly can say....I HATE!

AGAIN....BE WARNED! IT'S GROSS! He better appreciate me because I'll be pulling out these pics to share with his girlfriend when he's 20! heh.

He was napping while I was feeding Kai lunch. I heard him, through the monitor, wake up, but he was being his cute, babbling self, so I decided to continue feeding Kai since he was eating so well. About 15 minutes later, I went to their room to take AJ out of the crib and feed him lunch. This is what I found: (Needless to say, you know what I spent my afternoon doing!! Oh! And the camera happened to be sitting on their chest, so I grabbed it as I pondered HOW I was going to clean up the mess!)

Cool Slideshows

Happy MLK Day, Sweetie!

You may be thinking, "Huh?" Well, yesterday, as we all know, was Martin Luther King's birthday. What does that mean to us? It's party time! For Scott, that is!

Yes, Scott's big day of the year is MLK's birthday. It's been that way for the past 7 years. Why? Let me explain.

It all started about 7 years ago when I ordered a customized Patriots tire cover online for Scott for Christmas. This was going to be his "big" gift that Christmas. Well, 2 days before Christmas, I was pretty frantic after it didn't arrive only to call the company and find out that it was on back order. I was soooo totally bummed. I hated to say, "Your Christmas gift will arrive later". So, I ran out and got him something else (who knows what now) and I didn't mention the tire cover.

A few days after New Years, the tire cover arrived. I was so bummed because I knew he would absolutely love it since we had just purchased our SUV, so I wanted an "occassion" to be able to give to him for. His birthday was in May, so there was no way I wanted to wait that long and then there was Valentine's Day...but that was over a month away. I'm quite impatient. :) I grabbed a calendar and scanned it for holidays in January. VOILA....MLK's Birthday!!!!

So, when the day arrived. Scott came home. I had a delicious candlelight dinner made, a nice bottle of wine, and of course....his gift. When he asked, what's this all about, I said, "It's MLKs birthday!!! Everyone celebrates MLK's birthday!" He thought I was pretty nuts (that's something he loves about me!) but went along with it. He opened his big gift (along with a couple of little ones) and was elated. He then proceeded to call his brothers and friends from work to tell him about his MLK day gift and acted so surprised when his friends didn't get gifts. heh.

The rest is history. From that day on, we ALWAYS celebrate MLK's birthday. Scott is the only recipient of gifts as he gets small ones for Christmas. It's kinda funny because now my entire family shortly after Christmas is reminding Scott that MLK's birthday is coming up! heh. Some of his MLK gifts in the past? Hmmm....a pentium V computer (when they first came out), a 62" wide screen TV, playoff tickets to see the Pats, a surround sound system for his computer....well, you get the picture. He's pretty spoiled, but very deserving of it!

Hope you enjoyed your MLK Day, Baby!!! Love you!

The Brady Bunch is Movin' On!

The boys did it again!

Tom Brady and his Super Bowl winning team are heading

to Indianapolis next week for the AFC Championship,

after they stunned the Chargers tonight, 24-21!

Attachment issues

First, I want to say thank you again for all of your comments and emails. Your support truly does get me through those rough moments and I am back to myself today. I went to church this morning and am at total peace that God is in control. It's just the human part of being a Mama that sometimes drags me down. :)

Debbie in UK asked me if Kai had any attachment issues and do I think this even exist. Since, this is something that had captured my interest from the very beginning of our adoption process, I thought I would respond here.

Absolutely, positively, without a doubt that there is such a thing as attachment issues. There are different degrees of attachment. There is a wonderful website called Attach-China filled with information about attachment.

Now about your question regarding Kai. I will begin with saying that I have read just about everything I could lay my hands on regarding attachment since we decided to adopt the first time, almost 3.5 years ago. I have read books, seen videos, gone to workshops and spoken to parents who do have children with different degrees of attachment from severe attachment issues called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to very mild issues. That was my major fear. There is no doubt about the fact that many of the stories you read about these children with RAD are indeed VERY scary, but many of these issues can be worked through, the younger and the earlier, the better.

Since I had done so much reading, I was totally prepared for the worst. I was expecting a child who would give no eye contact, who was emotionally unattached to us, who would lie and steal and who would manipulate his way to always be in control of the situation, all for fear of being abandoned again. The attachment cycle is broken when a child does not form a trusting bond during infancy or early childhood. This could occur for many reasons, including lack of stimulation, multiple caregivers, abuse and neglect. When a child's needs are not met, the trust factor begins to break down the cycle, thus causing problems that may be lifelong without therapeutic intervention.

When we started the adoption process, we wanted AYAP (as young as possible) because of the fears of RAD. I always found myself going to the worst case scenarios to prepare myself. Then God placed Kai in our midst, a 22 month old toddler coming from a very poor orphanage, with no stimulation. It was literally, a leap of faith, but we knew he was our son. I prayed hard daily for him, but I had been praying for whatever child the Lord blessed us with to attach to us. I knew that I would work on the techniques that I learned thru toddler adoption books prior to even knowing if our child had any issues. I knew that it couldn't hurt, and if he had no issues, it could only help ease the transition.

From day one, I was the only caretaker for Kai. He slept in our bed for the first 3 months. I was the only one to feed him. I gave him a bottle (yes at 22 months because it promoted eye contact), played peek-a-boo, gave him daily massages after his bath, rocked him in a dimly lit room while whispering over and over....and over, "Mama loves Kai-Kai" (I still do that every night when I put him to bed...he loves it!), had a lot of skin-to-skin contact, played in the mirror with him (also great for eye-contact) and at times when I could "sense" that he was "angry", I would do (and still do) Holding time therapy. You can read in the link about Holding Time. I can honestly say, that in my own experience, I have found it to be the one and only sole technique that I can attribute to Kai's total attachment to us. Some people do not believe in it, I find it to be miraculous.

When I said earlier that I could sense he was "angry". I didn't mean it in the sense of he was "mad". I meant it in the sense that he was grieving. Kai did have some very mild attachment issues. Some examples of that anger could be seen when there were many people in the room. He knew I was Mama. He'd point to me when asked, "Where was Mama", so he knew exactly who to be angry at. Especially in the beginning with lots of visitors or if we went out. Kai's personality is a fountain of bubbly and he just exudes joy. He'd happily bounce from person to person. My "test" to see when things were getting out of hand was when I would go over to him if someone was holding him and say, "Kai, give Mama a kiss." and he'd say "NO!" followed by not giving me any eye contact and not wanting to have anything to do with me. This was ONLY with me. He didn't do it with his Dad or Amanda or any other close family member. He'd happily give them kisses and hugs whenever asked. Now, a good 99.5% of the time, anyone could be holding him and he will easily give me kisses and hugs.

What I learned was that because I was his main caretaker, his Mama, and he had already been abandoned twice by his main caretakers (first his birthmother and then his nanny), he was fighting with everything within himself not to get close to me. In the first few weeks, we'd have holding time almost daily. It slowly diminished and we stopped at about 6 months of him being home.

About two months ago, I noticed that he was displaying some control issues. Not normal two year old things like not wanting to eat, but showing me he was in control over things I could not control, for instance....putting his hand in his mouth. I asked him several times to not do so, he would look me straight in the eye and slowly move his hand towards his mouth. As if in saying just that, "I'm in control". Another instance is that I told him not to touch something on the table. He moved away from it. Some time went by and as we were leaving, he called my name, and when I turned to him, he again, with total eye contact and intent, slowly moved his hand and touched the item I had asked him not to touch. He waited for a reaction. Those were clear signs to me that he was ready for holding time once again, and I have done it maybe 4x in the past 2 months. The control issues COMPLETELY stopped, almost instantaneously. Holding Time therapy to me is just incredible and it gives him a feeling of relief. A feeling that he doesn't have to be in control and worried about whether he will be abandoned. He knows that he is loved.

I spoke to my social worker because I was confused. I knew he loved us, he knew he loved us, why was this still happening. She explained to me that although he fully loves me and knows we are his family, that the fear within him of being abandoned still seeps in. Except that now, it's stronger, because of just that....he loves us...me in particular, and is afraid of being hurt and abandoned again. He has been building a wall to protect himself. Each time we do the therapy, the wall gets knocked down and the trust builds a bit stronger every time.

When I think about it, it breaks my heart to think of how much this little 2 year old must be going through in his little mind. But, I am so very happy to say that he really is attached to us. He visits at Grandma's or his Ayi's house and frequently asks for me (he has never slept away from home), he makes sure that he says good-bye and I ALWAYS reassure him with a little song that I sing to him when we are separated that I come back. The song is very simple and for the life of me I don't know the name of the tune (sorry), but it says: "Mommy, comes back! Mommy comes back! Mommy comes back to meeeeee!" I sing it when I leave, and when I walk thru the door. I also do it when he goes somewhere and when he returns, just replacing the word Mommy with "Kai-Kai". He now expects it both at departure time and arrival time. We are planning our first night away from him within the next couple of months.

Anna Grace is in foster care and a much better situation than Kai was, but we plan on doing the same exact routine with her when it comes to attachment....whether she needs it or not. It's a great way to bond for both Mama and baby! By the way, although it's killing us financially, we've decided to take Kai with us to China to bring home Anna Grace. Attachment is the main reason we are doing so.

I know this has turned out to be very long-winded and I hope I answered your questions. But, I just wanted to say to those of you waiting that may be wondering about attachment issues if they can occur in China, and the answer is yes. Although the instances are much lower than Eastern European countries because of the care in the orphanages. Is it manageable? Absolutely. Even children with RAD can benefit from treatment. The website above also gives you lots of fun ways to promote attachment.

I'm off to prepare to watch the New England Patriots kick some Charger butt!!

Have a great Sunday everyone....and God bless!

Incoherent babbling

I wasn't planning on blogging any more tonight, but without a doubt, I'm my own worst enemy....a masochist. So, please, ignore the babbling and just know that I need to put my feelings down on "paper" as I am journaling for Anna Grace.

I absolutely love the new song on Anna Grace's blog...SWEPT AWAY by Geoff Moore. The words say everything my heart feels, especially during moments like this that I just sit here staring at her beautiful little face and drift away in thoughts of her in my arms. I began searching the internet for the lyrics. While surfing, I came across Geoff's biography. The song was written for his 11 month old daughter he adopted from China. Her name? Anna Grace. I had no idea! Every single word in this song, I can say from my heart to our baby girl. Here are the lyrics:

SWEPT AWAY - Written and performed by Geoff Moore

We would say your name
A hundred times a day
Like speaking words in faith

And with a mixture of
Hope and fear and trust
We prayed for strength to wait
And dreamed of how we’d feel the day
You’d be in our arms and…

Swept away
Caught up in our love
Home to stay
You’ll never be alone
You’ll be amazed
At how much you are loved
Your life will never be the same
Once you’re swept away.

What once was just a dream?
Is reaching up to me
I hold her in my arms

Lord, thank you for the way
You held her all those days
That we had to be apart
And now I see the impossible dream
Is holding me and I’m…

Swept away
Caught up in your love
Home to stay
I ’ll never be alone
And I’m amazed
At how much I am loved
My life will never be the same
I’ve been swept away.

I've decided to title this post "incoherent babbling" because I sit here again with a million thoughts running through my head, missing Anna Grace terribly and just babbling through a stream of tears. The boys are asleep, Amanda is at her Dad's and Scott is playing War Craft (his new passion) on the other computer, so there's total silence here. Earlier, I created the new header you see on the site with her picture. This evening, I came to the site to just stare at her pictures, as I do 10x a day, and the song started playing. I swear the lyrics hadn't started yet and the tears were flowing. How can I miss and yearn for someone who I've never held, or even seen? I feel like there is such a void in my life, in my heart. The same exact feelings as when we were waiting for TA for Kai. I guess I can't explain it, if you haven't been through it. I would be happy to just be able to hold her, just once (although I'll never want to let go) and be able to reassure her that we love her so very much.

I was holding Kai today while we were swaying to the song "Love of my life" by Michael W. Smith, and it just brought back so many memories of those first days with him. He was like a wounded little bird, scared and helpless. I can't even express in words what a different child he is today. He is always so happy, playful, extremely loving, and so in tune with everything going on around him. If someone leaves the house he comes over and speaks their name asking...are they coming back? The smile on his face when I say, "Daddy went to work but he's coming back" or "Amanda went to school but she's coming back" is just priceless. His favorite moments are when we are all just sitting around as a family. He knows he has a family and there is no doubt in my mind that he is 100% attached and loves each one of us. His resilience has amazed and humbled me. I wish I could be half the person that this little person is. Everything he has gone through, and yet he came into our arms and has never looked back.

As I said, I'm rambling through tears....not sure why. So, my writing is all over the place and it's taken me over an hour to write these few paragraphs. I often think about if Anna Grace's foster Mama rocks her or holds her to sleep. Do they ever sing to her? Do they ever just hold her, stroke her hair, kiss her, even tell her they love her? I know Kai really had none of that. His orphanage was very poor, dark and very scarce of everything. Although I know his nanny loved him, he spent 23 hours a day in a crib. Anna Grace's conditons (thank you, Lord!) are better, but I just know that it's not the same as the love of a mother and a family.

Since this post has been total jibberish, but something that I am recording for her journal to someday have, I will end it with a message to our beautiful little girl and I thank you all for your patience in hanging in there with me during my jumble of words.

My sweet Anna Grace,

You are thousands of miles and oceans away from us, but my heart is with you every moment of the day. I say your name a hundred times a day. There's not a moment that I don't walk into your room or see your brothers playing together that I don't think about how incredible it will be to have you home. To hear your giggles blend in with theirs will be the sweetest sound I've ever known.

You, like your brothers, were conceived in my heart. That love has grown and flourished and although sometimes I think I can't possibly love you any more, each day it swells my heart a bit more. I walk to the closet where your pretty dresses and bows are hanging and just hold them close to me, imagining you telling me..."Mommy, I want the pink dress!" I promise, baby girl, that you will never, ever be alone. You already have a family....and we're trying so very hard to bring you home...forever.

I pray for you every day, several times a day. I ask our Lord to hold you in his arms, your guardian angel to protect you, our Blessed Mother to wrap you in her mantle and make you feel secure. I promise you, Anna Grace, that you will come home. It may be a little later than what we want, but God created you to be our little girl and we will stop at nothing to make sure that you are with us.

Until then, sweet angel, I will blow you kisses in the wind and pray that you have dreams of a Mama and Baba, your Daddy and me, holding you and loving you. You will be amazed at how much you really are loved and yes, your life will never be the same.

I love you with every fiber of my being.....

Mommy

To My Babies

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you came into our lives and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my fingers through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing
children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing,

except one more day.............

I love you,

Mommy

Pink Dragons & Blessings

Anna Grace's Good Luck Chinese Pink Dragon

from her Daddy!

What a morning this has been. I'm telling you, I know I say it ALL THE TIME, but how do people get along in this life without Christ??!!

As you read yesterday, I posted about my doom and gloom. I spent most of the day crying and going back to those dark days when we were recovering from our failed adoption in Belarus. I was asking God "why"? And not getting answers. But throughout the night and this morning, in His infinite wisdom, he has showed me how blessed I really am, and how could I complain? Satan, shucks, you lost another battle, dude! Your gloom has not robbed me. It has indeed been turned around...AGAIN, for His glory.

When Scott came home last night, I started telling him in detail about what was happening since I just told him that they were adding a step that would add more time. The tears then started flowing...in major form. He hugged me and told me he knew that God had a plan and that he understood how hard it was for me to go through this wait. (FYI: I have the world's MOST patient husband!)

Anyways, I started making dinner and he said he was running out for milk. When he came back, he asked me if I had checked my email recently. I said, "No". Then he said, "I think you should check your email." (this is typical of my husband's behavior when he has something up his sleeve). So, I walk into the office and sitting on my laptop is a little gift bag. Inside the bag is the adorable little pink dragon that you see pictured, a large (my fav!) Kit-Kat bar, and a card. I grab the bag and head to the bedroom where he was with the boys and immediately ask, "Are you gonna make me cry?" He just smiled.

I open the card and inside it read:

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you're feeling down. It does stink when our little girl gets made to be longer away from us. I'm sorry you're down and wish there was something I could do to make it go away. I'm feeling bummed today also. I was talking to a secretary at work today about Anna Grace and she asked me when we were going. I said, "May....err....no, now it's September". It really hit home then.

I just wanted you to know that you have a husband who loves you and is here for you to lean on...any day, any time you need me, 'cause I love you. Cheer up! I love my wife when she she smiles. I love her more when she's down.

I love you, Scott

PS That's Anna Grace's goodluck Chinese Dragon for you to give her when we meet."

Well, then the tears really poured and I started thinking about how amazingly blessed I am. How many women are searching for a man like this? And God chose ME to be his wife! A minute later, Kai came over and saw that I was crying and took his little hand and wiped my cheek and said, "Mama"? As in questioning if I was ok. Again, I had to take a deep breath and thank God for all that's he's given me....and continues to give me.

I was mentally drained and went to bed pretty early. This morning I awoke refreshed and feeling like it was a new day, but thoughts of Anna Grace still clouded my joy. Then I went to my in-box. I had received emails from several of you kindly reminding me of what I had and that God was in control. Someone who I had never had contact with emailed me saying that she had been following our journey back from when I posted to APC about our not being able to adopt our original Kai. That's almost 2 years ago! But something that really stood out in her words were "But God did roll the stone away...and he will roll this one also." R. Thank you! You are so right. And the stone will be rolled away in His time.

Another wonderful friend reminded me that "When that little girl comes home, the angels in heaven will rejoice—for now, her guardian angel will watch over her and keep her safe". This wonderful person is probably one of the most spirit filled people I know and God having placed her in my life is such a blessing. Thank you, Peg!

She also gave me her thoughts about why China may be doing this, and I have to totally agree. There were MANY disruptions last year. Many people have skipped over from the NSN path to SNs just because the wait is getting outrageous, only to reallize at a point where it SHOULD BE too late, that they cannot handle such special needs. It is a heartbreaking cycle that makes these children wait even longer. Although, I have to say that I am totally in love with a little boy who was turned down after his adoptive family arrived in China....but, God's fingerprints are all over that adoption, because his true family was not ready yet. They are now just waiting for travel approval and God could not have created a more perfect family for him.

And lastly, I want to thank Ily, my sister, for also picking me up and giving me that pep talk. As Peg did, she reminded me that Anna Grace was wonderfully made by our creator, so how can he not want the best for her. I know in my heart that her guardian angel is definitely watching over her and that when we do finally hold her, the timing will be perfect. In the meantime, and for the glory of God, He is gracing me with more one-on-one time with my beautiful boys and daughter, Amanda....and of course, my wonderful husband.

My blessings are abundant in the fact that he has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends and the love and support of a community who my eyes may not know, but my heart certainly does! Thank you, Jesus!

Oh! One last note. Remember my post prior to my depression about the added steps? The one that spoke about the cool program I have and how neat it was that I had people visiting regularly from all over? Well, it moved a couple of them out of "lurkdom"! heh. Interesting how people say they feel they know me through my writing, so when they finally introduced themselves, it really does feel that way. Thanks for coming out of the darkness, T & E. And don't feel bad, I have my share of blogs where I lurk also, but am totally addicted to. :)

I leave you with a poem a friend shared with me many years ago.

I asked for health that I might do greater things; I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked God for strength that I might achieve; I was made weak that I might learn to obey.

I asked for riches that I might be happy; I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power and the praise of men; I was given weakness to sense my need for God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life; I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing I asked for but everything I hoped for; In spite of myself, my prayers were answered--I am among all men most richly blessed.

(Unknown author)

Will we ever get there?

Late last night we learned that China has added yet another step to the already grueling process of forming a family. This new rule is effective immediately and does affect us. Now parents of waiting children will be receiving an "acceptance letter", much like the one NSN (non-special needs) families receive. Once this letter has been signed and returned to China then it will be an approximately another 6-7 weeks until travel approval is received. This adds 2 MORE months to our journey.

We're not even DTC yet, so that light at the end of the tunnel feels like it has been blocked by a boulder right now. Not sure why, but as I type that, Mary Magdalene going to the tomb of our Savior comes to mind.

"Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance." John 20:1

I know Jesus is in total control of all of this. If this is placed here by Satan to fill us with fear and angst, then I need to use it somehow to glorify God. But, d0g-gone-it, it is so hard to do when you think that you are almost close enough to believing that it will happen and you suddenly get blown back by a huge gust.

We first laid eyes on our precious angel when she was 17 months old. With these delays, she'll now be over 30 months old when we first hold her. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard, so complicated?

My heart is hurting for Anna Grace who will continue to spend cold nights without proper nutrition and the love of our family. And it hurts for our family who has once again been "put on hold" until that missing link, our daughter waiting in Hefei, makes it complete.

Please, keep us in your prayers. I am very discouraged right now.

Just plain rambling!

Be forewarned that I am pretty much just rambling in this post. My mind is filled with a million things to do and thoughts of things to be done. So if you're waiting for anything of substance, this post won't be it.

First, I want to say thank you, God! This morning I awoke to an email from someone who adopted a beautiful little girl when I adopted Kai. We weren't really close, but I followed her journey, and I think she followed mine. :) Anyways, she sent me an email stating how she came across my website and saw that we were adopting again. Then continued to read on as far back as the first posts on this blog from October. When she was finished, God had moved her heart to show her that she had moved away from him, but that He had never left her. Why am I sharing this? Because sometimes I ramble on about God's never-ending goodness and I wonder what people think. I know He shows himself in everyone's lives. if they are open to Him. And once they do, the wonders NEVER cease. So, N. thank you for your email. We serve an awesome God and I'm so very glad that he has used me as a tool to touch your heart.

Let's see.....aaah yes, Chinese New Year. Chinese New Year this year lands on Feb. 18. Very late. So, what difference does this make to me? Well, it's pretty big. I've had my heart set on being DTC Feb. 16, and praying hard for a very quick LID (log-in-date) so that we could standing in China on Scott & Kai's birthday this year, May 27. My plans were already made up and going as scheduled, until I realized that Chinese New Year will push us into June now. Why? Because although our agency will hand-walk our dossier into CCAA on Feb. 16, it will just sit until the holidays are over. Meaning that they will not log anything in until AFTER Chinese New Year because they will obviously be closed for a week. On the norm now, it's taking almost a month from DTC to LID, so if we're lucky, we'll be logged in mid-March.

Next, comes step 2. The average wait from LID to TA (travel approval) is about 93 days. If you calculate 3 months from our LID, we are now looking at mid June! Now, we'll be fortunate to be in China by Father's Day. Yeah, yeah...I know, a wonderful holiday...but sheesh! I am so ready to bring this baby girl home. She'll be 2.5 by then! ::sniffle:: I know things can change, and I know God's hand is in it, and if He wants us there earlier, He'll make it happen, but He is sooooooo darn good about trying to teach me patience. I'm just a REALLY bad student!

Hmm...ok, what else. Ahh..I know. Something that's been bothering me a bit lately. Have you ever felt like a "fake", but never intended to be anything of the sort? I don't know if you guys will understand any of this babbling, but it's becoming therapeutic, so I'll continue on.

You all know I have great love for our Lord and great faith in Him. My life has been transformed 360 degrees since He came into it. Actually, since I found Him. He's always been there.

So, I try to live my life with Him in mind all the time. I try to be a good person. I try to follow the "WWJD" rule. I try to help others when I could, you get the point. But, let me be the first to say, that I don't come anywhere near what He expects from me. I know I let Him him down, probably on a daily basis. That said, let me get back to my point about feeling "fake". Since I try so actively to keep God in my life, as those of you know that have been following my journeys, I speak about Him all the time and how I see and feel His presence in a lot of what I do. I think I've created this "image" of myself as being so holy and prayerful. That's where the fake comes in. I try to be. God knows I do. But, I'm not. I'm not perfect in any way, shape or form.

So, I am so very much humbled when I receive emails asking for prayer or telling me that my words have strengthened your faith. In fact, it's your words that strengthen mine. It's hearing from others that God used me. that gets me back on my knees, first to thank Him and second to ask forgiveness for not being what He wants me to be, yet for still using me to do His work. But the silver lining is that, in the end, I know He never stops loving me and He will never leave me. His word tells us so. So, I just want to say to those of you that take the time to write, I thank you. It is very much taken to heart.

And that, leads me to my last paragraph, since I hear thru the monitor AJ stirring from his nap, which in turn will wake up Kai. This I find so cool!! I've gotten a HUGE amount of visits on my Formed By Love website, over 25,000! I often wondered where and who are all these people. Of course, I knew of some friends and family, but best case scenario that's maybe 40-50 people. One day in my going thru yahoo groups, I noticed that someone mentioned that they had visits on their site from someone in Beijing. I thought, "how cool is that?!!" So, I inquired how she knew and she lead me to this great site.

Anna Grace's blog has had over 5,000 visits since I started it in October, that just amazes me. But, now, it's very neat because I can see who and where everyone is coming from! I love it! I'm thrilled and it's my latest amusement that keeps my mind off of Anna Grace when the boys aren't running me rampid. Frequent visits range from places like Hamburg, Germany; Pepperell, MA; Larchmont, NY; Mountain View, CA; Palm Coast, FL; Berthoud, CO, Becker, MN and Ontario, Canada! That, again, is soooo very cool! Thank you for the smile as I'm waving back at ya from Ft. Myers!

By the way, the two top states that frequent Anna Grace's blog? In 2nd place, the wonderful state of Texas. The number one visits to Anna Grace's blog come from ::drum roll:: Yep, the state that Scott and I hope to retire to, the beautiful state of North Carolina!

Gotta run....they're both up now, right on cue. Have a great evening and thanks for listening to me ramble!

This is a large reason why....

many families choose international adoption over domestic. I am honored and blessed that God allowed us to grow our family through domestic adoption and gracing us with "AJ", but I can tell you that although we used a very professional and experienced attorney with an impeccable record, who has in every way covered every basis to make sure that this does not occur, the thought always lurks in the back of my mind. Will we ever see ourselves in this situation? I have been assured "absolutely not!" Florida law states that a birth mother who executes a consent for adoption involving a child six months or younger, does not have a grace period in which to change her mind. The consent for adoption is permanent and irrevocable from the moment it is signed, and can only be overturned based on fraud or duress.

What am I speaking of? A Florida birthmother who after 17 months, has literally changed her mind about having placed her twins for adoption.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/LegalCenter/story?id=2780499&page=2

It's scary! It really is! We would fight tooth and nail to keep our son, but sometimes you just have to think, this is why people choose international adoption. Why, after 17 months of having these babies, should these adoptive parents be going back to court to see who should get custody of the children? As much as agencies and adoption attorneys try to minimize the fact that this is so unlikely to happen, the fact remains that it does happen time and time again in the US. The chances, although sad, that Kai 0r Anna Grace's birthparents may come looking for them to want them back are so very slim, that it's one less issue you have to live with as an adoptive parent.

Many things have changed over the years with domestic adoptions. Mostly the fact that agencies, and birthmothers, now advocate much more for "open adoptions". Now, before I start getting tons of emails telling me how awesome some of your open adoption plans are, or from adoptees saying how they wish they had grown up with their birth family in the picture, I want to say that everyone has a right to make their own decision, and for us , it just wasn't in the plan to have an open adoption. We agree that when our little guy is 18, if he then wants to reunite with his birth family, we'd be the first ones in line cheering him on. But, that has to be HIS decision....not ours.

As I was watching this story unfold on the news last night, it made my stomach churn as I saw the clip of the adoptive mother in tears, pleading for her babies that had been taken over the border into Canada to be returned to them. The birthmother, now using every excuse in the book to get the babies back, simply changed her mind and decided those were her children. That's burns me up!

These are just some of my musings and ramblings, but when asked why we are adopting from China.....this is a perfect reason why. For now, I am off to snuggle with my beautiful boys and thank God for each of them!

Yup!! Another one!

This was taken December 29, 2006.

Our cutie pie biting her lip again. I love it!

THANK YOU SO MUCH, Wagoner family!!!!

What a start to the New Year!!!

As if our day couldn't get better (after receiving our I171H!), last night I sat down at the computer and I had an email our agency had sent with new, yes...new, pictures of Anna Grace!

Oh, how I love seeing her beautiful little face. But, it is so bittersweet. I put "her" song, Anna, back on the blog. In some crazy way, it makes me feel like she knows we love her and we're trying so hard to hurry things up to bring her home. I want my baby girl home, now! God's timing is always perfect and he always keeps his promises, but this wait is so hard. ::big sigh::

I do want to say how very grateful we are to Vicki, the China representative at our agency, for taking the time off of her personal vacation in China to check on our precious angel and take pictures of her for us! We thank you, Vicki, from the bottom of our hearts!

Ok, without further ado, here she is....our beautiful daughter,

Anna Grace Fengqin!

No green coat...but a sad, little face. :(

Her hair is getting long in the back!

I can't wait to cover that little face in kisses!

Ohhhhhh, I just want to scoop her up!

God is good!!!

Man! I just don't know how people get through life without God leading them! And for an affirmation of this....last night, before I went to bed, I went to my blog. The previous day, I had just added a new little icon at the bottom of the page that has the VERSE OF THE DAY and it changes daily. (You can scroll to the bottom to see it) So, I went and read it and this is the scripture for the day:

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

Yes, indeed! He shows us DAILY what is good...and ask so little in return! What an awesome God we serve!

YEEEEHAAAWWW!!! IT'S HERE!!

Kai's message to his Mei-Mei

Aren't those words beautiful???

Wooohooo!! It's only been since Dec. 13 (23 days!!) that USCIS received our homestudy. But for the past week, I've anxiously been going out to the mailbox in the hopes that maybe...just maybe, our I171H would be there. For those who don't know what an "I171H" is, it is the final approval from the US Government (Immigration) allowing you to adopt a foreign child.

Today, after stalking the mailman again, I walked (ok...sort of ran) to the mailbox while saying a quick prayer for it to be there, and VOILA....there it was! The most sought after piece of paper for anyone who is in the midst of being paper pregnant! Our I171H has arrived!!!!!

Now I am scurrying to put everything together for it to be certified and authenticated and it's off to our agency so that we can be DTC on the anniversary of our TA being signed....February 16! I can't believe we're 1/2 way to holding our baby girl. Thank you, Lord!!!!!!!

Anna Grace, we're working hard to bring you home, sweetie!!! Just hang in there a little longer, baby!

Help! Quilt time has arrived!

Here is a picture of the beautiful 100 Good Wishes Quilt that Kai's Po-Po created for him. I must admit that it was tough gathering all of the quilt squares and I still have not yet put all of the wishes in his album, but will be completing that task soon! I absolutely love the thought that so many people, from all over the world, came together and sent good wishes to our little one.

If you are wondering what a 100 Good Wishes Quilt is, let me explain. To welcome a new child, a tradition exists in the northern part of China to make a Bai Jia Bei (aka 100 Good Wishes Quilt). The family invites friends and family to contribute two 8" squares of cloth along with their wish for the baby. One of the squares goes into the quilt for the baby, and the other goes into a scrapbook with the wish for the child. It is said that the quilt contains the luck, energy, and good wishes from everyone who contributed a piece of fabric. It is so important for us to try and keep our Chinese children's heritage alive and what better way to do that than bringing Chinese traditions into our home.

Now the time has come for us to put together (actually her Po-Po will be "putting it together") a 100 Good Wishes Quilt for our precious Anna Grace. It would truly warm my heart if all of you who have been following our journey contribute a square for her quilt, with of course, your wish for her. You can email me privately for the address to send it to.

As I did with Kai's quilt, I will be posting regularly the progress of its completion. I must admit, it did take my Mom a few months to put it together, but the finished product was so worth the wait. It is beautiful! And even more beautiful to me is the love that she put into making it. :) I am honored that she will be making another one for Anna Grace.

So, please, it would be an honor if you would join us in celebrating the arrival of our beautiful daughter by contributing 2 - 8" quilt squares and your wish. We hope to bring her home in late May and I'd love for her quilt to be adorning her bed when she walks into her room for the first time!

US Consulate Holiday Schedule

For those interested in the new 2007 holiday schedule for the US Consulate in Guanzhou, you can follow this link:

http://guangzhou.usconsulate.gov/holidays.html

Fall afresh on me....

Those of you that know me, know that I am not big on "new year's resolutions". I am pretty much of the opinion that whenever it is time for a change, that is the moment to make the change. Most people I know start off their new year's resolutions with the best of intentions and setting pretty high goals for themselves, most never get accomplished.

But, since there has been much change in my life in the past 9 months, I am going to jump on the bandwagon and really try to accomplish as many of these "goals" that I have set for myself, as possible.

A couple are just that...goals. And a couple are true desires of the heart. One is just wishful thinking. You can guess which one that is. :)

So, without further ado. My goals for the year 2007.

• Increase my prayer life. (I will elaborate on this one a bit later)
• Rekindle a broken relationship that is very important to me.
• Have Kai toilet trained by May of this year.
• Lose at least 10 lbs. in the first quarter of the year.
• Buy 1 lottery ticket each week of the year. ::sigh::

If anything, it'll be neat to go back to this post on January 1, 2008 and see how many, if any, of these goals I did accomplish.

Just a quick note on my first goal, to increase my prayer life. I think most of you know that Christ is first and foremost in my life, but how much time do I spend with him, one on one? I am embarrassed to say...not much.

I pray for friends' prayer requests, I pray when needs arise. I walk around all day thanking him and praising him for the smallest of blessings and thanking him for when things go wrong, because I know it will be used to glorify Him in the end. And I even pray while driving or during some other time when the thought of someone or a particular situation comes into my mind. But, I really need to spend "quiet time" with Him. I need to go into my room, with my bible, my rosary, and get on my knees....daily! Not doing this because I have the boys is a total excuse. If I can find the time to blog, I can find the time to spend with the Lord. Don't get me wrong. I know He's with me every day. I feel His presence in every aspect of my life, but I don't give him the personal time He so deserves and I am sure wants. So, that is my major goal for 2007.