Attachment issues

First, I want to say thank you again for all of your comments and emails. Your support truly does get me through those rough moments and I am back to myself today. I went to church this morning and am at total peace that God is in control. It's just the human part of being a Mama that sometimes drags me down. :)

Debbie in UK asked me if Kai had any attachment issues and do I think this even exist. Since, this is something that had captured my interest from the very beginning of our adoption process, I thought I would respond here.

Absolutely, positively, without a doubt that there is such a thing as attachment issues. There are different degrees of attachment. There is a wonderful website called Attach-China filled with information about attachment.

Now about your question regarding Kai. I will begin with saying that I have read just about everything I could lay my hands on regarding attachment since we decided to adopt the first time, almost 3.5 years ago. I have read books, seen videos, gone to workshops and spoken to parents who do have children with different degrees of attachment from severe attachment issues called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to very mild issues. That was my major fear. There is no doubt about the fact that many of the stories you read about these children with RAD are indeed VERY scary, but many of these issues can be worked through, the younger and the earlier, the better.

Since I had done so much reading, I was totally prepared for the worst. I was expecting a child who would give no eye contact, who was emotionally unattached to us, who would lie and steal and who would manipulate his way to always be in control of the situation, all for fear of being abandoned again. The attachment cycle is broken when a child does not form a trusting bond during infancy or early childhood. This could occur for many reasons, including lack of stimulation, multiple caregivers, abuse and neglect. When a child's needs are not met, the trust factor begins to break down the cycle, thus causing problems that may be lifelong without therapeutic intervention.

When we started the adoption process, we wanted AYAP (as young as possible) because of the fears of RAD. I always found myself going to the worst case scenarios to prepare myself. Then God placed Kai in our midst, a 22 month old toddler coming from a very poor orphanage, with no stimulation. It was literally, a leap of faith, but we knew he was our son. I prayed hard daily for him, but I had been praying for whatever child the Lord blessed us with to attach to us. I knew that I would work on the techniques that I learned thru toddler adoption books prior to even knowing if our child had any issues. I knew that it couldn't hurt, and if he had no issues, it could only help ease the transition.

From day one, I was the only caretaker for Kai. He slept in our bed for the first 3 months. I was the only one to feed him. I gave him a bottle (yes at 22 months because it promoted eye contact), played peek-a-boo, gave him daily massages after his bath, rocked him in a dimly lit room while whispering over and over....and over, "Mama loves Kai-Kai" (I still do that every night when I put him to bed...he loves it!), had a lot of skin-to-skin contact, played in the mirror with him (also great for eye-contact) and at times when I could "sense" that he was "angry", I would do (and still do) Holding time therapy. You can read in the link about Holding Time. I can honestly say, that in my own experience, I have found it to be the one and only sole technique that I can attribute to Kai's total attachment to us. Some people do not believe in it, I find it to be miraculous.

When I said earlier that I could sense he was "angry". I didn't mean it in the sense of he was "mad". I meant it in the sense that he was grieving. Kai did have some very mild attachment issues. Some examples of that anger could be seen when there were many people in the room. He knew I was Mama. He'd point to me when asked, "Where was Mama", so he knew exactly who to be angry at. Especially in the beginning with lots of visitors or if we went out. Kai's personality is a fountain of bubbly and he just exudes joy. He'd happily bounce from person to person. My "test" to see when things were getting out of hand was when I would go over to him if someone was holding him and say, "Kai, give Mama a kiss." and he'd say "NO!" followed by not giving me any eye contact and not wanting to have anything to do with me. This was ONLY with me. He didn't do it with his Dad or Amanda or any other close family member. He'd happily give them kisses and hugs whenever asked. Now, a good 99.5% of the time, anyone could be holding him and he will easily give me kisses and hugs.

What I learned was that because I was his main caretaker, his Mama, and he had already been abandoned twice by his main caretakers (first his birthmother and then his nanny), he was fighting with everything within himself not to get close to me. In the first few weeks, we'd have holding time almost daily. It slowly diminished and we stopped at about 6 months of him being home.

About two months ago, I noticed that he was displaying some control issues. Not normal two year old things like not wanting to eat, but showing me he was in control over things I could not control, for instance....putting his hand in his mouth. I asked him several times to not do so, he would look me straight in the eye and slowly move his hand towards his mouth. As if in saying just that, "I'm in control". Another instance is that I told him not to touch something on the table. He moved away from it. Some time went by and as we were leaving, he called my name, and when I turned to him, he again, with total eye contact and intent, slowly moved his hand and touched the item I had asked him not to touch. He waited for a reaction. Those were clear signs to me that he was ready for holding time once again, and I have done it maybe 4x in the past 2 months. The control issues COMPLETELY stopped, almost instantaneously. Holding Time therapy to me is just incredible and it gives him a feeling of relief. A feeling that he doesn't have to be in control and worried about whether he will be abandoned. He knows that he is loved.

I spoke to my social worker because I was confused. I knew he loved us, he knew he loved us, why was this still happening. She explained to me that although he fully loves me and knows we are his family, that the fear within him of being abandoned still seeps in. Except that now, it's stronger, because of just that....he loves us...me in particular, and is afraid of being hurt and abandoned again. He has been building a wall to protect himself. Each time we do the therapy, the wall gets knocked down and the trust builds a bit stronger every time.

When I think about it, it breaks my heart to think of how much this little 2 year old must be going through in his little mind. But, I am so very happy to say that he really is attached to us. He visits at Grandma's or his Ayi's house and frequently asks for me (he has never slept away from home), he makes sure that he says good-bye and I ALWAYS reassure him with a little song that I sing to him when we are separated that I come back. The song is very simple and for the life of me I don't know the name of the tune (sorry), but it says: "Mommy, comes back! Mommy comes back! Mommy comes back to meeeeee!" I sing it when I leave, and when I walk thru the door. I also do it when he goes somewhere and when he returns, just replacing the word Mommy with "Kai-Kai". He now expects it both at departure time and arrival time. We are planning our first night away from him within the next couple of months.

Anna Grace is in foster care and a much better situation than Kai was, but we plan on doing the same exact routine with her when it comes to attachment....whether she needs it or not. It's a great way to bond for both Mama and baby! By the way, although it's killing us financially, we've decided to take Kai with us to China to bring home Anna Grace. Attachment is the main reason we are doing so.

I know this has turned out to be very long-winded and I hope I answered your questions. But, I just wanted to say to those of you waiting that may be wondering about attachment issues if they can occur in China, and the answer is yes. Although the instances are much lower than Eastern European countries because of the care in the orphanages. Is it manageable? Absolutely. Even children with RAD can benefit from treatment. The website above also gives you lots of fun ways to promote attachment.

I'm off to prepare to watch the New England Patriots kick some Charger butt!!

Have a great Sunday everyone....and God bless!