Incoherent babbling

I wasn't planning on blogging any more tonight, but without a doubt, I'm my own worst enemy....a masochist. So, please, ignore the babbling and just know that I need to put my feelings down on "paper" as I am journaling for Anna Grace.

I absolutely love the new song on Anna Grace's blog...SWEPT AWAY by Geoff Moore. The words say everything my heart feels, especially during moments like this that I just sit here staring at her beautiful little face and drift away in thoughts of her in my arms. I began searching the internet for the lyrics. While surfing, I came across Geoff's biography. The song was written for his 11 month old daughter he adopted from China. Her name? Anna Grace. I had no idea! Every single word in this song, I can say from my heart to our baby girl. Here are the lyrics:

SWEPT AWAY - Written and performed by Geoff Moore

We would say your name
A hundred times a day
Like speaking words in faith

And with a mixture of
Hope and fear and trust
We prayed for strength to wait
And dreamed of how we’d feel the day
You’d be in our arms and…

Swept away
Caught up in our love
Home to stay
You’ll never be alone
You’ll be amazed
At how much you are loved
Your life will never be the same
Once you’re swept away.

What once was just a dream?
Is reaching up to me
I hold her in my arms

Lord, thank you for the way
You held her all those days
That we had to be apart
And now I see the impossible dream
Is holding me and I’m…

Swept away
Caught up in your love
Home to stay
I ’ll never be alone
And I’m amazed
At how much I am loved
My life will never be the same
I’ve been swept away.

I've decided to title this post "incoherent babbling" because I sit here again with a million thoughts running through my head, missing Anna Grace terribly and just babbling through a stream of tears. The boys are asleep, Amanda is at her Dad's and Scott is playing War Craft (his new passion) on the other computer, so there's total silence here. Earlier, I created the new header you see on the site with her picture. This evening, I came to the site to just stare at her pictures, as I do 10x a day, and the song started playing. I swear the lyrics hadn't started yet and the tears were flowing. How can I miss and yearn for someone who I've never held, or even seen? I feel like there is such a void in my life, in my heart. The same exact feelings as when we were waiting for TA for Kai. I guess I can't explain it, if you haven't been through it. I would be happy to just be able to hold her, just once (although I'll never want to let go) and be able to reassure her that we love her so very much.

I was holding Kai today while we were swaying to the song "Love of my life" by Michael W. Smith, and it just brought back so many memories of those first days with him. He was like a wounded little bird, scared and helpless. I can't even express in words what a different child he is today. He is always so happy, playful, extremely loving, and so in tune with everything going on around him. If someone leaves the house he comes over and speaks their name asking...are they coming back? The smile on his face when I say, "Daddy went to work but he's coming back" or "Amanda went to school but she's coming back" is just priceless. His favorite moments are when we are all just sitting around as a family. He knows he has a family and there is no doubt in my mind that he is 100% attached and loves each one of us. His resilience has amazed and humbled me. I wish I could be half the person that this little person is. Everything he has gone through, and yet he came into our arms and has never looked back.

As I said, I'm rambling through tears....not sure why. So, my writing is all over the place and it's taken me over an hour to write these few paragraphs. I often think about if Anna Grace's foster Mama rocks her or holds her to sleep. Do they ever sing to her? Do they ever just hold her, stroke her hair, kiss her, even tell her they love her? I know Kai really had none of that. His orphanage was very poor, dark and very scarce of everything. Although I know his nanny loved him, he spent 23 hours a day in a crib. Anna Grace's conditons (thank you, Lord!) are better, but I just know that it's not the same as the love of a mother and a family.

Since this post has been total jibberish, but something that I am recording for her journal to someday have, I will end it with a message to our beautiful little girl and I thank you all for your patience in hanging in there with me during my jumble of words.

My sweet Anna Grace,

You are thousands of miles and oceans away from us, but my heart is with you every moment of the day. I say your name a hundred times a day. There's not a moment that I don't walk into your room or see your brothers playing together that I don't think about how incredible it will be to have you home. To hear your giggles blend in with theirs will be the sweetest sound I've ever known.

You, like your brothers, were conceived in my heart. That love has grown and flourished and although sometimes I think I can't possibly love you any more, each day it swells my heart a bit more. I walk to the closet where your pretty dresses and bows are hanging and just hold them close to me, imagining you telling me..."Mommy, I want the pink dress!" I promise, baby girl, that you will never, ever be alone. You already have a family....and we're trying so very hard to bring you home...forever.

I pray for you every day, several times a day. I ask our Lord to hold you in his arms, your guardian angel to protect you, our Blessed Mother to wrap you in her mantle and make you feel secure. I promise you, Anna Grace, that you will come home. It may be a little later than what we want, but God created you to be our little girl and we will stop at nothing to make sure that you are with us.

Until then, sweet angel, I will blow you kisses in the wind and pray that you have dreams of a Mama and Baba, your Daddy and me, holding you and loving you. You will be amazed at how much you really are loved and yes, your life will never be the same.

I love you with every fiber of my being.....

Mommy