Sinking quick

Yes, that's what it feels like right now. I feel like I am being pulled at warp speed into a black hole. I think sometimes you just have to go through those dark moments to be able to get past them and see the light again. Except that right now, I feel like there is so much darkness and no light anywhere.

Scott came home tonight with chocolate and kettle chips for me. He knows that my heartache will not be cured with these....but it helps. :) He keeps telling me it will happen in God's time. I know that...but I'm tired of hearing it. I don't want to hear anything like that anymore right now. My faith is strong, but I am starting to feel defeated. It's hard to understand why CCAA is so off balance when it comes to sending out anything. There were lots of TAs received today (including some friends from yahoo groups), but nothing for us. I just don't understand it. We will be on day 25 tomorrow, when the average time between LOA & TA has been 14-21 days.

Yes, I know about God's timing. I know it will happen. I know all those things. Right now, I'm just miserable. I want to be able to cry and pout and shout and just be able to express how totally and completely miserable I am feeling. We, the boys and I, stayed in pajamas all day. I carried that darn phone around everywhere I went. I could not think of ANYTHING but getting that freaking phone call, with the exception of finances because each passing day airfare gets more and more expensive and seats continue to fill up! Let's not even mention consulate dates being filled up. I feel that life should stop until I could get mine going again. But, it doesn't. And that annoys me! It really annoys the hec out of me right now. I guess that's what they mean about misery loves company. I want to share my pity party with those that are as miserable as I am right now.

I spoke to my sister, Scott, Amanda and a few other people today about the wait, and it just seems like no one understands. I've been there, so I know how they are feeling, but unless you've actually been in this position of waiting, you can't understand the pain that being so close, yet so far, causes. Scott has learned through this process not to attach himself to the degree that I do. I AM already her mother. She is my daughter, and we are an ocean apart. I HATE THAT! I have been looking at Anna Grace's beautiful little face for almost 9 months now. I can close my eyes and envision what she is like, how she smells, how her voice sounds. Yes, it's all in my dreams, but I'm so tired of dreaming!! My heart and mind tell me she's not a dream. She is real. Yet, she is still so far away that I can only see her as a dream. I am totally rambling now, all I really want to say is that I am ready to bring my girl home and I don't know what else I could do but pray. Could you please join me? I truly don't want the "it will happen" comments, I just want to know that we are bringing her home...soon. Thank you all for your support, friendship and understanding.